For some odd reason, at all the New Year's Eve parties I've ever been to, the talk inevitably turns to sex. (Well, sex and Ancient Babylonian Literature.) Whether encouraged by the liqour or the cheese dip, some people will start to brag, and some couples will start to reveal embarrassing secrets. Yep, it turns out that Ancient Babylonian Literature is a FINE topic for bragging and revealing secrets.......

HOW TO GET RID OF THE LEGENDARILY ANNOYING ELMO

First, you get a blunt instrument. From much experimentation, I have found that the best blunt insrument is Elmo's "Sesame Street" compatriot, The Count. Pick up the Count, and whack Elmo repeatedly (and very hard indeed) on the head, while COUNTING: "One, two, three, four, FIVE! FIVE whackings of Elmo!" (It is preferable to say this in a bad Transylvanian accent, but by no means mandatory.) I've taught this method to all of my nieces and nephews, and they have all learned it quite readily, even Michaela, my youngest niece, who is only eight months old. As an added bonus, this has taught Michaela to count to 10, which is usually all the whackings Elmo can take before expiring.