Till the age of sixteen
My place in heaven, was assured
As sinless as Jesus himself
By God, I was adored

Then in the hot summer of seventy six
Insects, were particularly annoying
Murder, with a rolled up newspaper
Each wasp death, was soul destroying

I coveted the neighbour’s lawnmower
For ours was old and bent
So for these unforgivable sins
I begged redemption, I did repent

I was a model lazy teenager
Observed the Sabbath, and things were fine
Then when I started working
Sundays were paid at double time

I was feeling down, and asked a priest
He said it’s a sin to feel suicidal
That it was wrong to worship false gods
So I stopped listening to Billy Idol

The pocketful of biro pens
I never meant to take
I didn’t remember they were there
And brought them home in my mistake

The few times when I missed with a hammer
I did take the lords name in vain
But I always would apologise
And promise not to do it again

Luckily, I lived next door
To old Fred, and his wife Nancy
I certainly didn’t covet her
She’s not the type to fancy

I honoured my parents
With my presence, when I slept
I never told them what I thought
Or wicked secrets that I kept

And when I flattened mother’s tulips
Upset her garden pride
I could have blamed it on the dog
Bore false witness, but I never lied

Adultery was fast approaching
Soon I would be twenty-one
So I panicked and joined a monastery
Where I went to heaven with a nun !